Hello everyone, and welcome to this year's installment of Why Jesus Loves the Shockers. In this year's note, we will go over the non-conference schedule for the Shockers, along with a primer for the Puerto Rico Tip-Off, which starts today.
Now, before we get started, I want you all to know that I've done extensive research in order to give you a clear, concise, thought provoking, and of course serious insight in to each of these teams.
If you believe that last sentence, then we're in trouble.
And we're off!
Charleston Southern University Buccaneers- Buccaneers is just another name for pirates. Pirate activities included pillaging, looting, and raping. Not exactly going with God’s vision for people are supposed to behave, now are they? I don’t care how popular those Johnny Depp movies are, pirates are NOT good people, and changing their name to buccaneers didn’t fool anyone.
University of Alabama-Birmingham Blazers- Dragons are large, dangerous, and intimidating. However, the dragon is a literal symbol of the devil, as mentioned in the Bible. By making their mascot a dragon, UAB has virtually signed themselves up for a deal with the devil, and those NEVER go well.
Cal State-Fullerton Titans- For those familiar with the Disney animated film “Hercules”, you’ll remember that Hades freed the Titans in an attempt to take over Mount Olympus. The whole point of the Titans was to defeat and imprison the gods and take over. You really think that God is going to look kindly on the titans? No. Besides, everyone knows that the only time Titans succeed in a sport is when they play football. I’m looking at you, Denzel.
University of Nevada- Las Vegas Rebels- First of all, this university chose to set itself up in a place nicknamed “Sin City”. It’s like a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah (at least that’s what I’ve heard). What happened to Sodom and Gomorrah? Oh yeah, fire and ash destroyed the city. This time God will just use his chosen team, the Shockers, to destroy the ambassadors from Sin City.
Tulsa Golden Hurricanes- Why would you name your team after something horrible and devastating like a hurricane? That just seems like a slap in the face to some people, especially since Oklahoma doesn’t get hurricanes and has no idea the amount of damage they can inflict. Add to the fact that they’re golden and it’s even worse. They’re turning hurricanes into golden idols, which is a big no-no in the Ten Commandments.
Utah State Aggies- I have no idea what an Aggie is, but the first thing that comes to mind is just some sort of farmer, so that’s what we’re going with here. And let me tell you, farmers are bad news. Don’t believe me? Think of it like this. The very first farmer in history was Cain, the son of Adam (you know, the first man?). Anyways, I’m guessing Cain was the first farmer since Adam’s job was naming and taking care of the animals. Anyway, Cain killed his brother Abel. So the first farmer is also the first murderer. So does that mean all farmers are murderers? Probably not, but I’m not going to risk it.
Chicago State Cougars- Chicago is nicknamed the “Windy City”, but studies show that the actual windiest city in the USA is Dodge City, KS. So Chicago is a name stealer for one. Secondly, the word “cougar” is just another name for “panther” and for those who remember my analysis of Northern Iowa Panthers, you know that this species of large cat did something offensive to be left out of the Bible.
Newman Jets- We’ve all seen the Iron Wu video. Jets carrying missiles bearing the other teams’ logos come streaming towards Charles Koch Arena, only to be stopped by Iron Wu himself. Granted, this year we’ve got the awful Bat-Wu thing going on, but as a touch stone to last year, Iron Wu makes a final appearance to blow the Jets out of the air.
And now, as promised, the Puerto Rico Tip-Off primer. We know the Wichita State plays Colorado later this evening for the first round, but as we don't know how the rest of the Bracket will end up, I have included all seven teams for your benefit.
Colorado Buffaloes- Buffaloes share a biological and physical resemblance to the modern, every day cow. After receiving the Ten Commandments, which included a rule about making golden images, Moses came down to see that the people he was leading had created a large golden calf to worship. It’s not a stretch to think that if they’d had a bit more gold and had seen an actual buffalo that they wouldn’t have made a golden buffalo instead. It’s just too close to the golden calf for God to ignore it.
Alabama Crimson Tide- When I hear the words “crimson tide” I automatically imagine a sea of blood breaking against the beach. How did the blood get in the water? Probably lots of people being killed and landing in the ocean. And it had to be A LOT to taint the ocean that much. That’s a lot of killing. What’s the commandment again? Oh yeah, thou shalt not kill. Alabama, really? You’re naming your team after a sea of blood? Yeah, that’s smart.
Maryland Terrapins- On the Maryland campus, they have a large bronze sculpture of their mascot, Testudo. He is a large turtle that sits on a pedestal. If this isn’t a blatant disregard for the commandment about no graven images than I will eat my hat. They were just too cheap to shell out the coin to cast it in gold instead of bronze. Maybe they thought they could sneak under the radar, but I’m on to you, Maryland.
Iona Gaels- Honestly, I had to do some research for the Iona Gaels, as I had no idea what a Gael was. It’s a people that is indigenous to parts of Ireland. It’s related to Gaelic, which is what King Arthur was supposedly. Think about this. King Arthur was given a quest to find the Holy Grail. He spent the entire time wandering around Ireland with a sorcerer, who probably learned his magic from the devil, and he never found it. Gee, I wonder why? Maybe because he was working with the devil’s lackey. Gaels are STILL paying for that mistake.
Temple Owls- In popular culture, owls are regarded as being old and full of wisdom. Think about the Tootsie Pops commercials. The little boy asks Mr. Owl how many licks it takes to get to the center. And then the owl shows its true colors. It lick the sucker twice, there by spreading bird flu all over the sucker, before taking a big bite and eating the entire thing. So not only do owls believe in biological warfare, they’re also dirty thieves. Wow, two strikes Owls. You’re on thin ice.
Western Michigan Broncos- Broncos are untamed horses that roam the wild, having the freedom to run where they want, when they want. They answer to absolutely no one. Or at least that’s what they want you to think. Broncos actually have made a deal with the devil. They sold their souls for a chance to be free, but when they die, they have to pull his dark chariot for all eternity. (I may be making up my own mythology and belief system here). Anyway, a deal with the devil is NEVER a good thing.
Purdue Boilermakers- The Boilermakers’ mascot is a large dude with a big hammer. First glance you don’t think much of it. I mean, the dude has black hair. But if you make his eyes a little smaller, and give him long blonde hair, he looks like Thor, down to the hammer. Granted, Thor was a pretty cool movie, but the whole thing was that he was a god. Like a pagan god, and we know that those pagan gods offend the real God. So I don’t care what wig they slapped on him, Purdue is trying to pass off Thor, a pagan god, as their mascot, and God (with a capital G) is NOT happy.
So there you have it folks. A look at what the Shockers are up against in this non-conference part of the season. I'm looking forward to it! I hope this gave you a laugh at some point, and that you'll share it with your friends and family.
No comments:
Post a Comment