[This post was originally written on March 12, 2012, the day before the tournament began.]
Okay friends. I asked if you were interested, and the response was an overwhelming YES. So here it is. An exhaustively researched analysis of all 68 teams in the NCAA tournament. Yes, you read that right. 68. It was a lot of work, but it was worth it for all of you.
And now, part 3. I've broken it down by region, and listed teams based on the bracket position. So the #1 seed is listed first, followed by the #16, and so on.
(DISCLAIMER: This is all done in fun, and is meant in no way to upset or offend anyone. If you have a problem with this, feel free to message me directly, but let's keep the comment section fun!)
Here we go:
SOUTH REGION
1.) Kentucky Wildcats- Anthony Davis’ unibrow reminds me of the Unabomber, who definitely makes the bad list.
16.) Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils- A team with the word “devil” in their name definitely isn’t a team worth cheering for, and one that should not be supported.
16.) Western Kentucky University Big Red- First of all, they have no actual mascot, instead being represented by a giant anthropomorphized blob of red. I don’t even know how to respond to that.
8.) Iowa State Cyclones- Cyclones are a destructive force of nature that destroy many things, including lives. They are a horrible thing, and to name your team after them is borderline blasphemous.
9.) UConn Huskies- Sure, Huskies are cute and kind of look like wolves. But because of their wolf like nature, they’re actually cold-blooded killing machines waiting for their chance. Don’t give them that chance!
5.) Wichita State- THE CHOSEN TEAM.
12.) Virginia Commonwealth Rams- Rams were one of the most common sacrificial animals in Biblical times for a reason. Time to start that trend again.
4.) Indiana Hoosiers- Former coach Bob Knight and his legendary temper still have this team as hot headed as the fires of hell, which could be where they’re headed if they don’t cool it.
13.) New Mexcio State Aggies- Their actual mascot is named Pistol Pete. He has guns. Guns kill people. One of the commandments says to NOT kill people. So there you go.
6.) UNLV Running Rebels- As previously stated, rebels are going against the rules and orders that have been set down by higher powers. This is an automatic disqualification from being approved for many things,
including winning the tournament.
11.) Colorado Buffaloes- Buffalos are closely related to cows, which were the basis for many graven images in the Bible, which went directly against the Ten Commandments.
3.) Baylor Bears- Bears are cold, heartless killing machines, and the blood already on their hands will keep them from entering heaven, and from winning the tournament.
14.) South Dakota State Jackrabbits- Rabbits are cute, right? But they also tunnel under foundations of building and cause building to collapse when the foundation is faulty. This is all buildings, including churches. Not so cute now.
7.) Notre Dame Fighting Irish- The Irish are a bunch of drunks, and they’re always fighting. Two strikes already.
10.) Xavier Musketeers- The musketeers, while protectors of the king, went against the Church (you know, those people who talk to God). While they may have been doing what they thought was right, they still wronged the Cardinal, who could have damned them at any time.
2.) Duke Blue Devils- Another team with a devil as a mascot. Won’t these teams ever learn?
15.) Lehigh Mountain Hawks- That sounds like it could be a pretty cool mascot, but hawks kill and eat cute furry woodland animals like squirrels and badgers. That makes everyone sad.
WEST REGION
1.) Michigan State Spartans- The Spartans worshipped numerous gods, not just one God. They’re out.
16.) LIU Brooklyn Blackbirds- Blackbirds are a symbol of death. Don’t expect them to make it past the first round, and not just because they’re a #16 seed.
8.) Memphis Tigers- Most of the big cats are fearsome predators who live on a steady diet of peaceful herbivores who can’t fend for themselves. That’s not very nice.
9.) St. Louis Bilikens- I had to research this one folks. Apparently it’s some sort of good luck charm (superstition), and the word was found in some Canadian poem. Canada is awful. That’s about all I’ve got for you.
5.) New Mexico Lobos- Lobos is the Spanish word for wolves. So you’re dealing with wolves with a flair for flamenco guitar. Be warned, they may look cool, but they’re not to be trusted.
12.) Long Beach State 49ers- First they steal the name of a professional football team. Plus the 49ers were gold rushers. You know, gold. What graven images are made from. Good job, sinners.
4.) Louisville Cardinals- Cardinals are red, the color of fire. You know, that same substance the lake in Hell is reported to be.
13.) Davidson Wildcats- Another team nicknamed the wildcats. Try being original and name your team something creative. I don’t even want to discuss you anymore.
6.) Murray State Racers- I’m assuming they’re racing from something. Maybe the cool touch of death? Time will only tell for the team with the best record of the season.
11.) Colorado State Rams- Just as Abraham was about to sacrifice Isaac, God sent a ram in his place. That ram must have done something to cause God to send it in Isaac’s place, and all rams are still paying for that mistake.
3.) Marquette Golden Eagles- I think if I point out that they have the word “golden” in their name, you’ll be able to see where I’m going with this.
14.) BYU Cougars- Big cats killing animals like deer. Those deer could have made delicious jerky for underprivileged kids in Africa, but the cougar decided to fill his own belly instead. Jerk.
14.) Iona Gaels- Swap the “e” and the “l” and you have the word “gale”, like a big storm. You know, those things that Jesus could calm with just a word? Not so tough now, huh Gaels?
7.) Florida Gators- Gators will keep their mouths open and let birds pick out all the little gunk from their teeth. And how do they thank the birds? They eat them! That’s one of the rudest things in the world.
10.) Virginia Cavaliers- I’m not sure what a Cavalier is, but Lebron used to be one in Cleveland, and I don’t care for him, so I don’t care for any cavaliers now.
2.) Missouri Tigers- Another big cat. SO many of these, I’m going to run out of things to say. You know the drill by now.
15.) Norfolk State Spartans- We started the West bracket with the Spartans, so we’ll finish with some more. Spartans had crazy armies that killed lots of people, which is a BIG no-no.
EAST REGION
1.) Syracuse Orangemen- Another school based on a color. And orange isn’t even a good color. Plus, orange juice and toothpaste is a combination so disgusting, it’s probably what all food in hell will taste like.
16.) UNC- Asheville Bulldogs- So we go from cats to dogs. Bulldogs seem nice, but they slobber all over everything. Plus, you saw what that bulldog in Space Jam almost did to Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. Let’s not let them anywhere near basketball.
8.) Kansas State Wildcats- I give up. All you big cats are going to get the same treatment from here on out. Go for something more original next time!
9.) Southern Miss Golden Eagles- Wow, yet another duplicate. At this point, I’ve run out of steam for trying to come up with something new for each of these duplicates. Let’s hit the main issue- Gold= false idol. There, done.
5.) Vanderbilt Commodores- Commodores are some sort of military rank. They lead soliders in to battle, and lives are lost. It’s very bloody and sad when people die. That’s it.
12.) Harvard Crimson- The third color to make the list, crimson is the color of blood when exposed to the air. Interesting choice, don’t you think?
4.) Wisconsin Badgers- Badgers of the honey variety are notoriously tough and don’t care. These aren’t those badgers. These are the mean badgers who dig up smaller animals homes and take them over. Rude.
13.) Montana Grizzlies- Another duplicate. I’m not going to keep doing this much longer. Grizzly bears are ferocious killing machines who would rather eat you than the picnic basket, no matter how many Yogi the Bear cartoons you saw when you were a kid.
6.) Cincinnati Bearcats- They can’t make up their minds which animal to base their mascot off of, so they combined two evil animals to create something REALLY bad. Classy, Cincy. You just signed your soul to the devil.
11.) Texas Longhorns- Longhorn cattle were the first false idols created after the Ten Commandments were handed down to Moses. Way to slap God in the face, Texas.
3.) Florida State Seminoles- The brave Native Americans are now associated with horrible vices like gambling and alcohol addiction. Their casinos facilitate this behavior and they have now lost favor in the eyes of the Lord.
14.) St. Bonaventure Bonnies- The mascot name in and of itself seems perfectly harmless, until you realize that their logo and mascot is actually a wolf, which we’ve been over in detail here many times.
7.) Gonzaga Bulldogs- Bulldogs slobber all over everything. For some items, this isn’t a big deal. For others, it can ruin them. I’m talking things like shoes and that big leather-bound Bible sitting on the coffee table. Slobbering on the word of the Lord. Not cool.
10.) West Virginia Mountaineers- The rough and tumble men of the mountains sound tough. But they also killed a lot of animals to make things like food and clothing, when they all they had to do was jump in the car and drive to Wal-Mart, where those things could be purchased cheaply without any actual animal killing.
2.) Ohio State Buckeyes- I don’t know what a buckeye is. I think I read somewhere about people throwing them at each other as young children. Sounds dangerous and something I want no part of.
15.) Loyola Greyhounds- Well, not a bulldog, but still a dog. Plus greyhounds are racing dogs, where people gamble on the outcomes. So greyhounds promote gambling, which makes God sad.
MIDWEST REGION
1.) North Carolina Tarheels- North Carolina is called the Tar Heels, but their mascot is Ramses, and he is yet ANOTHER ram. Man, these people just don’t do their research very well, do they?
16.) Lamar Big Red- Okay, I could handle all the big cats, wolves, and dog duplicates. But to copy a COLOR? That’s just over the top. Anyways, red is the common color of blood, plus it’s also the color of the lake of fire in Hell.
16.) Vermont Catamounts- You want to know what a catamount is? It’s a freaking COUGAR by another name. So not only did they name their team after a killer, they LIED about it. Audacity at its finest.
8.) Creighton Bluejays- Not since the Presidents Bush has a father and son duo been as widely hated as the McDermotts of Omaha. Look for them to be like Bush Sr. One and done.
9.) Alabama Crimson Tide- Crimson tides bring to mind images of seas of blood, and that just CAN’T be good.
5.) Temple Owls- Owls are jerks. Just look at the owl in the Tootsie Pop commercials. Plus their hoots are always really loud at night, causing me to awaken in a fright.
12.) California Golden Bears- So let me get this straight. You chose to not only pick a killer bear, but you then proceeded to make it gold? You didn’t think one of those was enough to hurt your chances? I give up with you.
12.) South Florida Bulls- More cattle being sent off to modeling school so that sculptors can create false idols for worship.
4.) Michigan Wolverines- Wolverine from the X-Men is a vicious killer, the one who is called when the job is too dirty for the “good” X-Men. I have to assume that he does this because all wolverines do this.
13.) Ohio Bobcats- Take all the ferocity of a big cat and stick it in something small enough to live in your house and curl up on your lap and you have what could probably be one of the most cunning, vicious predators alive. A creature after Satan’s own heart.
6.) San Diego State Aztecs- The Aztecs gave human sacrifices to their many gods. Many gods and human sacrficies= two strikes.
11.) NC State Wolfpack- So you take the wolf, and then give it a bunch of buddies to help it carry out its killer urges? Smart way to get yourself banned from heaven.
3.) Georgetown Hoyas- Pretty sure these are just bulldogs masquerading by a different name. They just won’t give up, will they?
14.) Belmont Bruins- You already know my thoughts on bears. Moving on.
7.) St. Mary’s Gaels- Even though your school is named after Jesus’ mom, that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook. You still are out of luck, since you come from Ireland, which is full of snakes. Snakes tempted Eve, and the human race has been out of luck ever since.
10.) Purdue Boilermakers- They’re awful, making other people angry and causing their blood to boil. Hence, boilermakers, and something to be avoided completely. Their own blood will be boiling soon enough.
2.) Kansas Jayhawks- A mythological bird created seemingly from out of thin air. All real, living things are a gift from God, and any fake creatures are a smack to the face.
15.) Detroit Titans- In Greek mythology, the Titans tried to overthrow the gods and take power. So the whole point of titans is trying to replace God. You really think he’s going to be okay with that? I think NOT!
Okay, there it is. I hope you all enjoyed. Let's go Shockers!
