NCAA Bracket Breakdown- 2013

So here it is- the tournament breakdown for the 2013 NCAA Tournament selection. I have worked hard on this, in order to give all of you a positive experience. I hope you find it funny, thought provoking, and ridiculous.

(Disclaimer- this is all for fun. Nothing said here is meant to offend anyone, and the facts stated were probably made up.)

Let's get started.

MIDWEST REGION

1^st Round-      (11) Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders vs. (11) St. Mary’s Gaels

In this first round match-up between The Blue Raiders and the Gaels, the Blue Raiders will simply stomp all over the Gaels, who will still be recovering from their St. Patrick’s Day weekend. True to their heritage, the Gaels will have spent their practices nursing hangovers and won’t be ready for their big game.

                        (16) North Carolina A&T Aggies vs. (16) Liberty Flames

Meanwhile, the North Carolina A&T Aggies will learn that when you play with fire, you’re going to get burned. The Liberty Flames, true to their namesake, will create a large brushfire out of the poor Aggies.

2^nd Round-    (1) Louisville Cardinals vs. (16) Liberty Flames

The Louisville Cardinals come into the their first game ready to put out the smoldering remains of a Liberty team that has dwindled from a large fire to a flame reminiscent of a Bic lighter. Cardinals make short work of Liberty.

                        (8) Colorado State Rams vs. (9) Missouri Tigers

Rams have the advantage of sure-footedness in the rocky terrain that is the Big Dance. While Missouri will try and claw their way out of defeat, the Rams give them one last headbutt to send them on their way.

                        (5) Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. (12) Oregon Ducks

In a surprising upset, the Oregon Ducks prove that a flock of mallards can’t be tamed in the same way a Cowboy’s horse can. The upset will be so ugly, Oklahoma State will end up having to call Aflac to cover their medical bills, adding insult to injury.

                        (4) St. Louis Bilikens vs. (13) New Mexico State Aggies

St. Louis continues to ride their A-10 winning streak into the Big Dance, relying heavily on the luck that their beloved Billiken mascot bestows on them. The Aggies used up all of their luck just getting the auto-qualifier bid.

                        (6) Memphis Tigers vs. (11) Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders

Having sampled the defeated Gaels’ depleted victory booze stash, the Blue Raiders will be the victims of their own hangovers as they face the ferocity of the Memphis Tigers. Oh yes, there will be blood.

                        (3) Michigan State Spartans vs. (14) Valparaiso Crusaders

It’s like something taken from an Age of Empires game- two armies of well-trained soldiers slaying their enemies in the name of their beloved deity. In this meeting, the Spartans show why they dominated ancient Greece for so long and send the Crusaders home without their swords.

                        (7) Creighton Bluejays vs. (10) Cincinnati Bearcats

Creighton sucks. This is simple logic when it comes to predicting the winner of this game.

                        (2) Duke Blue Devils vs. (15) Albany Great Danes

Sorry, you Scooby Doo wannabes, that isn’t just a man in a mask this time. Those are real Blue Devils, and they’re going to make you wish you were back in the Mystery Machine, getting baked with Shaggy.

3^rd Round-     (1) Louisville Cardinals vs. (8) Colorado State Rams

While the terrain is still rocky and looks good for the Rams, the Cardinals have the advantage of flight. This defeat will come from an aerial attack, ensuring the Cardinals path to the Sweet Sixteen.

                        (12) Oregon Ducks vs. (4) St. Louis Bilikens

In an attempt to please the rotund Billiken, St. Louis will serve a variety of Duck inspired dishes as they make handy work of the Oregon team. Barbecued, roasted, baked, and other delicious duck offerings will be given to the Billiken as a tribute for ensuring a victory.

                        (6) Memphis Tigers vs. (3) Michigan State University Spartans

The Spartans, who took care of the Crusaders in the second round, will face an entirely different kind of opponent in the Tigers. The Tigers, hunting in a pack, will pick off the Spartans to move on to the Sweet Sixteen.

                        (10) Cincinnati Bearcats vs. (2) Duke Blue Devils

Cincinnati was only good for one thing- taking care of the Bluejays. The Blue Devils make quick work of the Bearcats, a creature that seems to blur the line between feline and ursine families.

Sweet Sixteen-(1) Louisville Cardinals vs. (4) St. Louis Bilikens

The overall number one seed sees their luck go into battle against that of a powerful totem that seems to defy logic. I’ve started to picture the Billiken, who is lucky, as a luck dragon, like Falcor from the Never Ending Story movies. A flying dog would eat the Cardinals, and St. Louis heads to the Elite Eight.

                        (6) Memphis Tigers vs. (2) Duke Blue Devils

A team nicknamed the Blue Devils had to know they were going to fall eventually. One of God’s greatest achievements in animal design, the Tigers, goes up against the minions of Satan, and show that the Lord will always look down on the forces of evil.

Elite Eight-     (4) St. Louis Bilikens vs. (6) Memphis Tigers

Well Memphis, you had a good run to the Elite Eight, but much like Shere Khan the Tiger from The Jungle Book, your time has come to an end. You put up a valiant effort, but now you look like kittens instead of ferocious man-eaters. Head back to Memphis with your tails between your legs.

SOUTH REGION

2^nd Round-     (1) Kansas Jayhawks vs. (16) Western Kentucky Hilltoppers

Like most of the country, the Jayhawks have no idea what a Hilltopper really is. Their mascot is a large red blob, which makes things even more confusing. Angry and confused, the Jayhawks run the Hilltoppers out of the gym.

                        (8) North Carolina Tarheels vs. (9) Villanova Wildcats

In a quest to get Roy Williams into a match-up against his old team, the Jayhawks, the Tarheels get overzealous and start chucking up shots from half court on every other attempt. Seizing the opportunity of a distracted opponent, Villanova comes out with the victory.

                        (5) Virgina Commonwealth Rams vs. (12) Akron Zips

Seriously, what is with all these teams picking mascots that make virtually no sense? First we have the Hilltoppers, then we have the Zips? What the hell is a Zip? The Rams assume that Zip is the score that Akron is attempting, and in a tournament first, the patented Havoc defense holds the Zips scoreless all game.

                        (4) Michigan Wolverines vs. (13) South Dakota State Jackrabbits

It’s a showdown between two great players. But it’s also a battle between two enemies in the animal kingdom. In a cruel depiction of true life, the Wolverines spend the entire time attempting to kill the Jackrabbits. But in the end, the Jackrabbits get away with the win. I guess this time, the hare DID win. (This matchup would have been even better if South Dakota was playing Maryland.)

                        (6) UCLA Bruins vs. (11) Minnesota Golden Gophers

The Bruins come out as hungry as any other bear does after a long hibernation. They’re looking to feast, and they don’t care what they get their teeth into. They’ll look for berries and fish, but Golden Gophers are a tasty treat for them as well, and Minnesota isn’t going to realize what happened.

                        (3) Florida Gators vs. (14) Northwestern State Demons

The Gators come out looking like lazy water dragons, but quickly show that they aren’t your mama’s pet iguana. A couple quick bites out of the Demons have them running back to the bayous of Louisiana… only to be met by REAL gators.

                        (7) San Diego State Aztecs vs. (10) Oklahoma Sooners

Great. Another team with a mascot that makes no sense. The Aztecs believed in a lot of crazy things, but not even they would believe in a mascot like a Sooner. Believing Oklahoma to be a bunch of blasphemers and heathens, they destroy the Sooners and send them back to hell… or you know, Oklahoma. Same thing.

                        (2) Georgetown Hoyas vs. (15) Florida Gulf Coast Eagles

Don’t let the small squat stature of a bulldog lie to you. The Hoyas can jump up, grab the Eagles, and pull them down and clip their wings. Don’t expect any other outcome than a Hoya win here, folks.

3^rd Round-     (1) Kansas Jayhawks vs. (9) Villanova Wildcats

Kansas decides to show Villanova exactly how thankful they are that they don’t have to play Roy Williams and the Tarheels by spotting them 15 points to start the game. Not that it matters, because they come back and show Villanova how they’ve handled Wildcats all season. Jayhawks advance to the Sweet Sixteen.

                        (5) VCU Rams vs. (13) South Dakota State Jackrabbits

The Jackrabbits may have been able to survive against the persistent Wolverines, but they’re about to be trampled under foot by the Havoc of the Rams. Cloven hooves leave some grisly prints in rabbit hide, and no amount of lucky feet are going to see the Jackrabbits to the Sweet Sixteen.

                        (6) UCLA Bruins vs. (3) Florida Gators

Little known fact- Shabazz Muhammad accidentally fell into a gator exhibit at the zoo as a child. He jumped out quickly, and his amazing escape inspired him to keep jumping and pursue basketball. But hearing that there are Gators on the court, he has a mental breakdown and refuses to leave the locker room, causing the Bruins to lose the game.

                        (7) San Diego State Aztecs vs. (2) Georgetown Hoyas

I don’t claim to be an expert in ancient Aztec heritage, but I know they worshipped many gods, including one that looked like a jaguar. (I think that’s the Aztecs. My info mostly comes from The Road To El Dorado). Anyways, they also have a bulldog god, and seeing the Hoyas, they fall to their knees in praise, forfeiting the game.

Sweet Sixteen-(1) Kansas Jayhawks vs. (5) VCU Rams

In a staggering repeat of 2011, the VCU Rams come out to cause problems for the Jayhawks from the start. It’s a game of back and forth, before Jeff Withey, in frustration, slams a dunk and shatters the backboard. He’s given a technical, and the resulting free throws decide the game in favor of the Rams.

                        (3) Florida Gators vs. (2) Georgetown Hoyas

The Hoyas, always looking for their next meal, unwittingly spot a piece of meat cleverly disguised in the jaws of the Gators. As they approach, they start to get a little leery, but the Hoyas can’t resist the bait. The Gators take a big bite of Hoya, and an even bigger bite of victory.

Elite Eight-     (5) VCU Rams vs. (3) Florida Gators

They made it all the way back to the Elite Eight, but Cinderella’s story is finally over. The Rams finally tire from their relentless defense, and the Gators are able to pick up the scraps. It becomes a virtual bloodbath, as the Gators eat their way through the Rams to secure their spot in the Final Four.

EAST REGION

1^st Round-      (16) LIU Brooklyn Blackbirds vs. (16) James Madison Dukes

You know what James Madison’s mascot is? It’s a bulldog with a crown on his head. James Madison is so pretentious, they felt the need to take a bulldog, one of the most common mascots in college basketball, and make him royalty. There’s a real danger that the Blackbirds will grab a Duke’s head instead of the ball, since both are inflated. Win goes to LIU Brooklyn.

2^nd Round-     (1) Indiana Hoosiers vs. (16) LIU Brooklyn Blackbirds

For once, we have an unidentifiable mascot that I like. The Hoosiers are a good team, and it was a great movie too. The Blackbirds won’t stand a chance against this heavyweight team from the Big Ten.

                        (8) North Carolina State Wolfpack vs. (9) Temple Owls

On one hand, we have what is considered to be a wise animal, with the Owls representing Temple. But anyone who has watched TV as a child knows that the Tootise Pop Owl is a jerk. The Wolfpack knows this too, and will be looking to exact revenge on the Owls on behalf of the little boy from the Tootsie Pop commercial.

                        (5) UNLV Runnin’ Rebels vs. (12) California Golden Bears

This all comes down to a simple foot race. Can the Runnin’ Rebels outrun the Golden Bears? I think the answer is yes, since they don’t have to run too far. After all, Luke Skywalker and the rest of the Rebel Alliance is waiting for them right around the corner. The Bears will be running right into a trap that Admiral Ackbar would be proud of.

                        (4) Syracuse Orange vs. (13) Montana Grizzlies

The Syracuse Orange have a serious advantage here, as I’m pretty sure that Grizzlies are colorblind. (Author’s note: not sure if grizzlies are actually colorblind, but I’m too lazy to Google it right now.) The Grizzlies will not be able to see the Orange coming for them, and thus will be lose.

                        (6) Butler Bulldogs vs. (11) Bucknell Bison

This matchup is full of alliteration. You have to love when the stars line up for that. This game then becomes a simple matter of which name rolls off the tongue better. While Bucknell Bison sounds nice, there’s something about the BU look in both Butler and Bulldogs that I like. Butler moves on.

                        (3) Marquette Golden Eagles vs. (14) Davidson Wildcats

We’ve reached another one of those Sylvester and Tweety matches as I like to call them. A true cat versus bird match-up. And much like those great classic Looney Tunes cartoons, in this one, the golden bird does foil the plans of the pesky puddy tat, and the Golden Eagles advance to the next round.

                        (7) Illinois Fighting Illini vs. (10) Colorado Buffaloes

Again, we run into a team with no discernible mascot. Or at least one that doesn’t make any sense. Fortunately for the Fighting Illini, it doesn’t matter WHAT their mascot, because thanks to a new state measure passed, the Colorado Buffaloes will be too high to understand what’s going on. Keep off the grass, man.

                        (2) Miami Hurricanes vs. (15) Pacific Tigers

I hope the Tigers know how dangerous Hurricanes can be. I know it’s been a few years since Katrina, but Jim Larranaga has the Canes playing like a true natural disaster. The Tigers better buckle up and hope that the deadly winds of the Hurricanes sends them all the way back out west.

3^rd Round-     (1) Indiana Hoosiers vs. (8) NC State Wolfpack

The Wolfpack did a good job of holding off the jerk Owls, but they’re in for a whole new set of problems against the promised sons of Indiana. Even if they somehow recruited Michael J. Fox to return as Teen Wolf, it wouldn’t be enough to beat the Hoosiers.

                        (5) UNLV Runnin’ Rebels vs. (4) Syracuse Orange

Unfortunately for the Orange, they’re facing off against a team that actually can distinguish colors this time. Gone are the days of confusing the opponents with a color for their team name. Expect UNLV to “run” away with this one. (See what I did there?)

                        (6) Butler Bulldogs vs. (3) Marquette Golden Eagles

Well Marquette, you had a good run. However, just because you defeated Sylvester last time doesn’t mean you’re going to beat the Bulldogs this time. Butler will rip the Golden Eagles out of the tournament, then pee on them, as dogs are inclined to do when they’re marking their territory.

                        (7) Illinois Fighting Illini vs. (2) Miami Hurricanes

The Fighting Illini are tough. I’ll give them that. But do they really think they can take on an act of God like the Hurricanes? I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to fight a natural disaster, but I assume it’s tough. I can’t even beat up a thunder storm, and those are small change compared to a hurricane. Miami advances to the Sweet Sixteen.

Sweet Sixteen-(1) Indiana Hoosiers vs. (5) UNLV Runnin’ Rebels

They’ve been running for so long, but the Rebels eventually have to stop and take a breath. Unfortunately for them, it’s right as they face off against the Hoosiers. Also unfortunate for UNLV, instead of watching actual game footage, they found the last Blockbuster open in the US and rented the movie Hoosiers. Bad game planning leads the Rebels to defeat.

                        (6) Butler Bulldogs vs. (2) Miami Hurricanes

Butler is headed off to join the Catholic Seven in the new Big East next year. However, as the only non Catholic school joining the new conference, the Lord looks down upon them, and punishes with an act of Himself. (I hope you got that joke.) The Hurricanes advance to the Elite Eight.

Elite Eight-     (1) Indiana Hoosiers vs. (2) Miami Hurricanes

Sometimes, no matter how much you try, not even Gene Hackman can help you win. Dennis Hopper was the guy you needed, but since he passed away a couple years back (R.I.P.), the Hoosiers just can’t finish the job. Miami wins the East regional and heads to the Final Four.

WEST REGION

1^st Round-      (13) Boise State Broncos vs. (13) La Salle Explorers

When the Explorers came to settle the West, they tried to tame the Broncos. At the time, they managed to domesticate the horses. This time around, the Broncos aren’t having it, and instead simply trample the Explorers.                       

2^nd Round-     (1) Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. (16) Southern Jaguars

Beware the hair. Kelly Olynyk and the Bulldogs show that the “long hair don’t care” really works up in Seattle as they send the Jaguars packing back home. You may have won your conference, but the Jaguars have been turned into housecats by the Bulldogs.

                        (8) Pittsburgh Panthers vs. (9) Wichita State Shockers

The Panthers will try to take a bite out of the Shockers. They might even get a pretty good chunk ripped out. But Panthers are carnivores, and the Shockers are made of wheat. One bite and the Panthers won’t know what to do. The Shockers start to cause the Panthers indigestion, and Pittsburgh forfeits so they can excuse themselves to the restrooms.

                        (5) Wisconsin Badgers vs. (12) Ole Miss Rebels

Marshall Henderson. Bo Ryan. The drama involved with this match-up is more hype than actual talent. Unfortunately for the Rebels, Henderson’s words actually carry a secret spell that would help them be victorious. An elbow to the mouth sends Henderson to the locker room, and the Rebels to defeat.

                        (4) Kansas State Wildcats vs. (13) Boise State Broncos

The Broncos may be out and running free these days, but that doesn’t mean that other creatures still don’t see them as prey. The Wildcats, working as a pack, manage to take the Broncos down. They would feast upon their flesh, but since they’re all humans, that’d be cannibalism, which is frowned upon by the NCAA tournament, and the world in general.

                        (6) Arizona Wildcats vs. (11) Belmont Bruins

Wildcats versus Bears. A battle for the ages, and an argument that has surely been had in bars the world over. Who would win in a fight between a big cat and a bear? Well here’s the chance to find out. Unfortunately for you ursine lovers, the Wildcats pull out the victory. Apparently Winnie the Pooh’s honey addiction slowed him down.

                        (3) New Mexico Lobos vs. (14) Harvard Crimson

The argument can be made here for the Harvard Crimson, since Lobos (wolves in Spanish for those of you who chose to take French instead of Spanish in school) are colorblind. Unfortunately though, the Crimson just haven’t been the same since Jeremy Lin (what happened to him?) left. I give the victory to the Lobos.

                        (7) Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. (10) Iowa State Cyclones

I know what you’re thinking. If the Fighting Illini can’t beat a Hurricane, how can Fighting Irish beat Cyclones? After all, the Fighting Irish are a bunch of drunks with potatoes. But thanks to their awesome (/sarcasm) new camo uniforms, the Fighting Irish are able to sneak up on the Cyclones and pull out the victory.

                        (2) Ohio State Buckeyes vs. (15) Iona Gaels

The Gaels are getting stereotyped as a bunch of drunks in this thread… So why stop now?? In an attempt to focus for their big game, the Gaels sober up. Unfortunately, the only reason they had any success was because they played in a drunken fugue state the entire regular season. The Gaels can suddenly focus and it throws off their game, handing victory to the Buckeyes.

3^rd Round-     (1) Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. (9) Wichita State Shockers

The Bulldogs, after having such an easy schedule during the regular season, find themselves playing a legitimate team in Wichita State. Confused by the mascot that MIGHT be, but probably isn’t a bumblebee, the Bulldogs lose this game in over time to a team who’s mascot is a cannibalistic shock of wheat. (Seriously, go look at a picture of the logo. Wu literally has a piece of wheat in his mouth.)

                        (5) Wisconsin Badgers vs. (4) Kansas State Wildcats

This promises to be a hard fought battle. The Badgers will try to dig themselves a nice little hole where they can relax and keep shooting. Unfortunately for them, the Wildcats will dig up the Badgers and rip them apart, sending them off to the Sweet Sixteen.

                        (6) Arizona Wildcats vs. (3) New Mexico Lobos

It’s like an undomesticated version of that old family movie, “Cats vs. Dogs” when these two powerhouse teams collide. Unlike the movie, neither team is a race of aliens bent of world domination. Also unlike the movie, the Wildcats win this one. (Whoops, spoiler alert! Sorry!)

                        (7) Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. (2) Ohio State Buckeyes

Ohio State has become pretty good at playing drunk teams. The Fighting Irish prove to be no exception. After losing in a sober state, the Iona Gaels send the Fighting Irish all the booze they can find. Sadly, the Fighting Irish have been playing sober all year, and the addition of alcohol sends the team in the wrong direction… out of the bracket.

Sweet Sixteen-(9) Wichita State Shockers vs. (4) Kansas State Wildcats

It isn’t quite the Sunflower Showdown, but it’s close enough. Two teams from Kansas face off in this Sweet Sixteen showdown. The Wildcats, having refused to schedule their in-state competition for years, realize that they were right in staying away from Wichita State when the team destroys them. A new in-state rivalry is born.

                        (6) Arizona Wildcats vs. (2) Ohio State Buckeyes

The Buckeyes have been walking through the Dance so far, but Arizona is hoping to put an end to that. However, in this Sweet Sixteen match-up, the Buckeyes start their reserves. Confused at first, Arizona realizes too late that these guys have actually been starting caliber all year, held back for a helluva surprise in this late tournament game.                       

Elite Eight-     (9) Wichita State Shockers vs. (2) Ohio State Buckeyes

A battle between two plants, essentially. The Buckeyes hope to finally end this Cinderella story for the Shockers, but the boys from Wichita State have other plans. With Gregg Marshall at the wheel, the Shockers turn into a monster truck and simply run over the Buckeyes to advance to the Final Four.

FINAL FOUR

Final Four-     (4) St. Louis Billikens vs. (9) Wichita State Shockers

Every year, as the Shockers prepare for the Missouri Valley conference tournament, they are reminded that they have never won a tournament title in St. Louis. The Shockers view the Billikens as the physical manifestation of the place where they can never quite finish. Believing this, they go out and kidnap the mascot before the game, leaving him tied up in a storage room in the hotel. Without the Billiken mascot, the luck of St. Louis finally runs out, and the Shockers finally have a victory against St. Louis, the place that haunts their dreams.

                        (3) Florida Gators vs. (2) Miami Hurricanes

It was a match-up made in heaven. Well not really heaven, but for the elderly who retire to Florida, it’s about as close as you’re going to get. Two heavy weight teams from the state that caused so many problems during the 2000 presidential elections battle it out for a chance at the championship. Unfortunately for the Gators, the Hurricanes mean business. A storm is let loose upon the Gators, and they leave empty handed.

CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

                        (9) Wichita State Shockers vs. (2) Miami Hurricanes

The Shockers aren’t impressed by the Hurricanes. After all, they come from Kansas, the tornado capital of the world. (Author’s note: not sure if this a true fact.) Add in a little bit of rain, which Kansas desperately needs, and you have a Hurricane. The Shockers have made it all the way to the championship game and refuse to go down without a fight. It’s a hard fought battle, but the roots of the Shockers are deep and firm. They are battered and bruised by the torrential Hurricane, but in the end, the Shockers emerge victorious, standing proud, holding a trophy above their heads.

Why Jesus Loves the Shockers Part 3- NCAA Edition!

[This post was originally written on March 12, 2012, the day before the tournament began.]

Okay friends. I asked if you were interested, and the response was an overwhelming YES. So here it is. An exhaustively researched analysis of all 68 teams in the NCAA tournament. Yes, you read that right. 68. It was a lot of work, but it was worth it for all of you.

And now, part 3. I've broken it down by region, and listed teams based on the bracket position. So the #1 seed is listed first, followed by the #16, and so on.

(DISCLAIMER: This is all done in fun, and is meant in no way to upset or offend anyone. If you have a problem with this, feel free to message me directly, but let's keep the comment section fun!)

Here we go:

SOUTH REGION

1.) Kentucky Wildcats- Anthony Davis’ unibrow reminds me of the Unabomber, who definitely makes the bad list.

16.) Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils- A team with the word “devil” in their name definitely isn’t a team worth cheering for, and one that should not be supported.

16.) Western Kentucky University Big Red- First of all, they have no actual mascot, instead being represented by a giant anthropomorphized blob of red. I don’t even know how to respond to that.

8.) Iowa State Cyclones- Cyclones are a destructive force of nature that destroy many things, including lives. They are a horrible thing, and to name your team after them is borderline blasphemous.

9.) UConn Huskies- Sure, Huskies are cute and kind of look like wolves. But because of their wolf like nature, they’re actually cold-blooded killing machines waiting for their chance. Don’t give them that chance!

5.) Wichita State- THE CHOSEN TEAM.

12.) Virginia Commonwealth Rams- Rams were one of the most common sacrificial animals in Biblical times for a reason. Time to start that trend again.

4.) Indiana Hoosiers- Former coach Bob Knight and his legendary temper still have this team as hot headed as the fires of hell, which could be where they’re headed if they don’t cool it.

13.) New Mexcio State Aggies- Their actual mascot is named Pistol Pete. He has guns. Guns kill people. One of the commandments says to NOT kill people. So there you go.

6.) UNLV Running Rebels- As previously stated, rebels are going against the rules and orders that have been set down by higher powers. This is an automatic disqualification from being approved for many things,

including winning the tournament.

11.) Colorado Buffaloes- Buffalos are closely related to cows, which were the basis for many graven images in the Bible, which went directly against the Ten Commandments.

3.) Baylor Bears- Bears are cold, heartless killing machines, and the blood already on their hands will keep them from entering heaven, and from winning the tournament.

14.) South Dakota State Jackrabbits- Rabbits are cute, right? But they also tunnel under foundations of building and cause building to collapse when the foundation is faulty. This is all buildings, including churches. Not so cute now.

7.) Notre Dame Fighting Irish- The Irish are a bunch of drunks, and they’re always fighting. Two strikes already.

10.) Xavier Musketeers- The musketeers, while protectors of the king, went against the Church (you know, those people who talk to God). While they may have been doing what they thought was right, they still wronged the Cardinal, who could have damned them at any time.

2.) Duke Blue Devils- Another team with a devil as a mascot. Won’t these teams ever learn?

15.) Lehigh Mountain Hawks- That sounds like it could be a pretty cool mascot, but hawks kill and eat cute furry woodland animals like squirrels and badgers. That makes everyone sad.

WEST REGION

1.) Michigan State Spartans- The Spartans worshipped numerous gods, not just one God. They’re out.

16.) LIU Brooklyn Blackbirds- Blackbirds are a symbol of death. Don’t expect them to make it past the first round, and not just because they’re a #16 seed.

8.) Memphis Tigers- Most of the big cats are fearsome predators who live on a steady diet of peaceful herbivores who can’t fend for themselves. That’s not very nice.

9.) St. Louis Bilikens- I had to research this one folks. Apparently it’s some sort of good luck charm (superstition), and the word was found in some Canadian poem. Canada is awful. That’s about all I’ve got for you.

5.) New Mexico Lobos- Lobos is the Spanish word for wolves. So you’re dealing with wolves with a flair for flamenco guitar. Be warned, they may look cool, but they’re not to be trusted.

12.) Long Beach State 49ers- First they steal the name of a professional football team. Plus the 49ers were gold rushers. You know, gold. What graven images are made from. Good job, sinners.

4.) Louisville Cardinals- Cardinals are red, the color of fire. You know, that same substance the lake in Hell is reported to be.

13.) Davidson Wildcats- Another team nicknamed the wildcats. Try being original and name your team something creative. I don’t even want to discuss you anymore.

6.) Murray State Racers- I’m assuming they’re racing from something. Maybe the cool touch of death? Time will only tell for the team with the best record of the season.

11.) Colorado State Rams- Just as Abraham was about to sacrifice Isaac, God sent a ram in his place. That ram must have done something to cause God to send it in Isaac’s place, and all rams are still paying for that mistake.

3.) Marquette Golden Eagles- I think if I point out that they have the word “golden” in their name, you’ll be able to see where I’m going with this.

14.) BYU Cougars- Big cats killing animals like deer. Those deer could have made delicious jerky for underprivileged kids in Africa, but the cougar decided to fill his own belly instead. Jerk.

14.) Iona Gaels- Swap the “e” and the “l” and you have the word “gale”, like a big storm. You know, those things that Jesus could calm with just a word? Not so tough now, huh Gaels?

7.) Florida Gators- Gators will keep their mouths open and let birds pick out all the little gunk from their teeth. And how do they thank the birds? They eat them! That’s one of the rudest things in the world.

10.) Virginia Cavaliers- I’m not sure what a Cavalier is, but Lebron used to be one in Cleveland, and I don’t care for him, so I don’t care for any cavaliers now.

2.) Missouri Tigers- Another big cat. SO many of these, I’m going to run out of things to say. You know the drill by now.

15.) Norfolk State Spartans- We started the West bracket with the Spartans, so we’ll finish with some more. Spartans had crazy armies that killed lots of people, which is a BIG no-no.

EAST REGION

1.) Syracuse Orangemen- Another school based on a color. And orange isn’t even a good color. Plus, orange juice and toothpaste is a combination so disgusting, it’s probably what all food in hell will taste like.

16.) UNC- Asheville Bulldogs- So we go from cats to dogs. Bulldogs seem nice, but they slobber all over everything. Plus, you saw what that bulldog in Space Jam almost did to Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. Let’s not let them anywhere near basketball.

8.) Kansas State Wildcats- I give up. All you big cats are going to get the same treatment from here on out. Go for something more original next time!

9.) Southern Miss Golden Eagles- Wow, yet another duplicate. At this point, I’ve run out of steam for trying to come up with something new for each of these duplicates. Let’s hit the main issue- Gold= false idol. There, done.

5.) Vanderbilt Commodores- Commodores are some sort of military rank. They lead soliders in to battle, and lives are lost. It’s very bloody and sad when people die. That’s it.

12.) Harvard Crimson- The third color to make the list, crimson is the color of blood when exposed to the air. Interesting choice, don’t you think?

4.) Wisconsin Badgers- Badgers of the honey variety are notoriously tough and don’t care. These aren’t those badgers. These are the mean badgers who dig up smaller animals homes and take them over. Rude.

13.) Montana Grizzlies- Another duplicate. I’m not going to keep doing this much longer. Grizzly bears are ferocious killing machines who would rather eat you than the picnic basket, no matter how many Yogi the Bear cartoons you saw when you were a kid.

6.) Cincinnati Bearcats- They can’t make up their minds which animal to base their mascot off of, so they combined two evil animals to create something REALLY bad. Classy, Cincy. You just signed your soul to the devil.

11.) Texas Longhorns- Longhorn cattle were the first false idols created after the Ten Commandments were handed down to Moses. Way to slap God in the face, Texas.

3.) Florida State Seminoles- The brave Native Americans are now associated with horrible vices like gambling and alcohol addiction. Their casinos facilitate this behavior and they have now lost favor in the eyes of the Lord.

14.) St. Bonaventure Bonnies- The mascot name in and of itself seems perfectly harmless, until you realize that their logo and mascot is actually a wolf, which we’ve been over in detail here many times.

7.) Gonzaga Bulldogs- Bulldogs slobber all over everything. For some items, this isn’t a big deal. For others, it can ruin them. I’m talking things like shoes and that big leather-bound Bible sitting on the coffee table. Slobbering on the word of the Lord. Not cool.

10.) West Virginia Mountaineers- The rough and tumble men of the mountains sound tough. But they also killed a lot of animals to make things like food and clothing, when they all they had to do was jump in the car and drive to Wal-Mart, where those things could be purchased cheaply without any actual animal killing.

2.) Ohio State Buckeyes- I don’t know what a buckeye is. I think I read somewhere about people throwing them at each other as young children. Sounds dangerous and something I want no part of.

15.) Loyola Greyhounds- Well, not a bulldog, but still a dog. Plus greyhounds are racing dogs, where people gamble on the outcomes. So greyhounds promote gambling, which makes God sad.

MIDWEST REGION

1.) North Carolina Tarheels- North Carolina is called the Tar Heels, but their mascot is Ramses, and he is yet ANOTHER ram. Man, these people just don’t do their research very well, do they?

16.) Lamar Big Red- Okay, I could handle all the big cats, wolves, and dog duplicates. But to copy a COLOR? That’s just over the top. Anyways, red is the common color of blood, plus it’s also the color of the lake of fire in Hell.

16.) Vermont Catamounts- You want to know what a catamount is? It’s a freaking COUGAR by another name. So not only did they name their team after a killer, they LIED about it. Audacity at its finest.

8.) Creighton Bluejays- Not since the Presidents Bush has a father and son duo been as widely hated as the McDermotts of Omaha. Look for them to be like Bush Sr. One and done.

9.) Alabama Crimson Tide- Crimson tides bring to mind images of seas of blood, and that just CAN’T be good.

5.) Temple Owls- Owls are jerks. Just look at the owl in the Tootsie Pop commercials. Plus their hoots are always really loud at night, causing me to awaken in a fright.

12.) California Golden Bears- So let me get this straight. You chose to not only pick a killer bear, but you then proceeded to make it gold? You didn’t think one of those was enough to hurt your chances? I give up with you.

12.) South Florida Bulls- More cattle being sent off to modeling school so that sculptors can create false idols for worship.

4.) Michigan Wolverines- Wolverine from the X-Men is a vicious killer, the one who is called when the job is too dirty for the “good” X-Men. I have to assume that he does this because all wolverines do this.

13.) Ohio Bobcats- Take all the ferocity of a big cat and stick it in something small enough to live in your house and curl up on your lap and you have what could probably be one of the most cunning, vicious predators alive. A creature after Satan’s own heart.

6.) San Diego State Aztecs- The Aztecs gave human sacrifices to their many gods. Many gods and human sacrficies= two strikes.

11.) NC State Wolfpack- So you take the wolf, and then give it a bunch of buddies to help it carry out its killer urges? Smart way to get yourself banned from heaven.

3.) Georgetown Hoyas- Pretty sure these are just bulldogs masquerading by a different name. They just won’t give up, will they?

14.) Belmont Bruins- You already know my thoughts on bears. Moving on.

7.) St. Mary’s Gaels- Even though your school is named after Jesus’ mom, that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook. You still are out of luck, since you come from Ireland, which is full of snakes. Snakes tempted Eve, and the human race has been out of luck ever since.

10.) Purdue Boilermakers- They’re awful, making other people angry and causing their blood to boil. Hence, boilermakers, and something to be avoided completely. Their own blood will be boiling soon enough.

2.) Kansas Jayhawks- A mythological bird created seemingly from out of thin air. All real, living things are a gift from God, and any fake creatures are a smack to the face.

15.) Detroit Titans- In Greek mythology, the Titans tried to overthrow the gods and take power. So the whole point of titans is trying to replace God. You really think he’s going to be okay with that? I think NOT!

Okay, there it is. I hope you all enjoyed. Let's go Shockers! 

Why Jesus Loves the Shockers Part 2

[This note was originally written in the Fall of 2012, before WSU traveled to Puerto Rico for the Puerto Rico Tip-Off]

Hello everyone, and welcome to this year's installment of Why Jesus Loves the Shockers. In this year's note, we will go over the non-conference schedule for the Shockers, along with a primer for the Puerto Rico Tip-Off, which starts today.

Now, before we get started, I want you all to know that I've done extensive research in order to give you a clear, concise, thought provoking, and of course serious insight in to each of these teams.

If you believe that last sentence, then we're in trouble.

And we're off!

Charleston Southern University Buccaneers- Buccaneers is just another name for pirates. Pirate activities included pillaging, looting, and raping. Not exactly going with God’s vision for people are supposed to behave, now are they? I don’t care how popular those Johnny Depp movies are, pirates are NOT good people, and changing their name to buccaneers didn’t fool anyone.

University of Alabama-Birmingham Blazers- Dragons are large, dangerous, and intimidating. However, the dragon is a literal symbol of the devil, as mentioned in the Bible. By making their mascot a dragon, UAB has virtually signed themselves up for a deal with the devil, and those NEVER go well.

Cal State-Fullerton Titans- For those familiar with the Disney animated film “Hercules”, you’ll remember that Hades freed the Titans in an attempt to take over Mount Olympus. The whole point of the Titans was to defeat and imprison the gods and take over. You really think that God is going to look kindly on the titans? No. Besides, everyone knows that the only time Titans succeed in a sport is when they play football. I’m looking at you, Denzel.

University of Nevada- Las Vegas Rebels- First of all, this university chose to set itself up in a place nicknamed “Sin City”. It’s like a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah (at least that’s what I’ve heard). What happened to Sodom and Gomorrah? Oh yeah, fire and ash destroyed the city. This time God will just use his chosen team, the Shockers, to destroy the ambassadors from Sin City.

Tulsa Golden Hurricanes- Why would you name your team after something horrible and devastating like a hurricane? That just seems like a slap in the face to some people, especially since Oklahoma doesn’t get hurricanes and has no idea the amount of damage they can inflict. Add to the fact that they’re golden and it’s even worse. They’re turning hurricanes into golden idols, which is a big no-no in the Ten Commandments.

Utah State Aggies- I have no idea what an Aggie is, but the first thing that comes to mind is just some sort of farmer, so that’s what we’re going with here. And let me tell you, farmers are bad news. Don’t believe me? Think of it like this. The very first farmer in history was Cain, the son of Adam (you know, the first man?). Anyways, I’m guessing Cain was the first farmer since Adam’s job was naming and taking care of the animals. Anyway, Cain killed his brother Abel. So the first farmer is also the first murderer. So does that mean all farmers are murderers? Probably not, but I’m not going to risk it.

Chicago State Cougars- Chicago is nicknamed the “Windy City”, but studies show that the actual windiest city in the USA is Dodge City, KS. So Chicago is a name stealer for one. Secondly, the word “cougar” is just another name for “panther” and for those who remember my analysis of Northern Iowa Panthers, you know that this species of large cat did something offensive to be left out of the Bible.

Newman Jets- We’ve all seen the Iron Wu video. Jets carrying missiles bearing the other teams’ logos come streaming towards Charles Koch Arena, only to be stopped by Iron Wu himself. Granted, this year we’ve got the awful Bat-Wu thing going on, but as a touch stone to last year, Iron Wu makes a final appearance to blow the Jets out of the air.

And now, as promised, the Puerto Rico Tip-Off primer. We know the Wichita State plays Colorado later this evening for the first round, but as we don't know how the rest of the Bracket will end up, I have included all seven teams for your benefit.

Colorado Buffaloes- Buffaloes share a biological and physical resemblance to the modern, every day cow. After receiving the Ten Commandments, which included a rule about making golden images, Moses came down to see that the people he was leading had created a large golden calf to worship. It’s not a stretch to think that if they’d had a bit more gold and had seen an actual buffalo that they wouldn’t have made a golden buffalo instead. It’s just too close to the golden calf for God to ignore it.

Alabama Crimson Tide- When I hear the words “crimson tide” I automatically imagine a sea of blood breaking against the beach. How did the blood get in the water? Probably lots of people being killed and landing in the ocean. And it had to be A LOT to taint the ocean that much. That’s a lot of killing. What’s the commandment again? Oh yeah, thou shalt not kill. Alabama, really? You’re naming your team after a sea of blood? Yeah, that’s smart.

Maryland Terrapins- On the Maryland campus, they have a large bronze sculpture of their mascot, Testudo. He is a large turtle that sits on a pedestal. If this isn’t a blatant disregard for the commandment about no graven images than I will eat my hat. They were just too cheap to shell out the coin to cast it in gold instead of bronze. Maybe they thought they could sneak under the radar, but I’m on to you, Maryland.

Iona Gaels- Honestly, I had to do some research for the Iona Gaels, as I had no idea what a Gael was. It’s a people that is indigenous to parts of Ireland. It’s related to Gaelic, which is what King Arthur was supposedly. Think about this. King Arthur was given a quest to find the Holy Grail. He spent the entire time wandering around Ireland with a sorcerer, who probably learned his magic from the devil, and he never found it. Gee, I wonder why? Maybe because he was working with the devil’s lackey. Gaels are STILL paying for that mistake.

Temple Owls- In popular culture, owls are regarded as being old and full of wisdom. Think about the Tootsie Pops commercials. The little boy asks Mr. Owl how many licks it takes to get to the center. And then the owl shows its true colors. It lick the sucker twice, there by spreading bird flu all over the sucker, before taking a big bite and eating the entire thing. So not only do owls believe in biological warfare, they’re also dirty thieves. Wow, two strikes Owls. You’re on thin ice.

Western Michigan Broncos- Broncos are untamed horses that roam the wild, having the freedom to run where they want, when they want. They answer to absolutely no one. Or at least that’s what they want you to think. Broncos actually have made a deal with the devil. They sold their souls for a chance to be free, but when they die, they have to pull his dark chariot for all eternity. (I may be making up my own mythology and belief system here). Anyway, a deal with the devil is NEVER a good thing.

Purdue Boilermakers- The Boilermakers’ mascot is a large dude with a big hammer. First glance you don’t think much of it. I mean, the dude has black hair. But if you make his eyes a little smaller, and give him long blonde hair, he looks like Thor, down to the hammer. Granted, Thor was a pretty cool movie, but the whole thing was that he was a god. Like a pagan god, and we know that those pagan gods offend the real God. So I don’t care what wig they slapped on him, Purdue is trying to pass off Thor, a pagan god, as their mascot, and God (with a capital G) is NOT happy.

So there you have it folks. A look at what the Shockers are up against in this non-conference part of the season. I'm looking forward to it! I hope this gave you a laugh at some point, and that you'll share it with your friends and family.