(Disclaimer- this is all for fun. Nothing said here is meant to offend anyone, and the facts stated were probably made up.)
Let's get started.
MIDWEST REGION
1st Round- (11) Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders vs. (11) St. Mary’s Gaels
In this first round match-up
between The Blue Raiders and the Gaels, the Blue Raiders will simply stomp all
over the Gaels, who will still be recovering from their St. Patrick’s Day
weekend. True to their heritage, the Gaels will have spent their practices
nursing hangovers and won’t be ready for their big game.
(16) North Carolina A&T Aggies vs. (16) Liberty Flames
Meanwhile, the North Carolina
A&T Aggies will learn that when you play with fire, you’re going to get
burned. The Liberty Flames, true to their namesake, will create a large
brushfire out of the poor Aggies.
2nd Round- (1)
Louisville Cardinals vs. (16) Liberty Flames
The Louisville Cardinals come into
the their first game ready to put out the smoldering remains of a Liberty team
that has dwindled from a large fire to a flame reminiscent of a Bic lighter.
Cardinals make short work of Liberty.
(8)
Colorado State Rams vs. (9) Missouri Tigers
Rams have the advantage of
sure-footedness in the rocky terrain that is the Big Dance. While Missouri will
try and claw their way out of defeat, the Rams give them one last headbutt to
send them on their way.
(5)
Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. (12) Oregon Ducks
In a surprising upset, the Oregon
Ducks prove that a flock of mallards can’t be tamed in the same way a Cowboy’s
horse can. The upset will be so ugly, Oklahoma State will end up having to call
Aflac to cover their medical bills, adding insult to injury.
(4)
St. Louis Bilikens vs. (13) New Mexico State Aggies
St. Louis continues to ride their
A-10 winning streak into the Big Dance, relying heavily on the luck that their
beloved Billiken mascot bestows on them. The Aggies used up all of their luck
just getting the auto-qualifier bid.
(6)
Memphis Tigers vs. (11) Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders
Having sampled the defeated Gaels’
depleted victory booze stash, the Blue Raiders will be the victims of their own
hangovers as they face the ferocity of the Memphis Tigers. Oh yes, there will
be blood.
(3)
Michigan State Spartans vs. (14) Valparaiso Crusaders
It’s like something taken from an Age
of Empires game- two armies of well-trained soldiers slaying their enemies in
the name of their beloved deity. In this meeting, the Spartans show why they
dominated ancient Greece for so long and send the Crusaders home without their
swords.
(7)
Creighton Bluejays vs. (10) Cincinnati Bearcats
Creighton sucks. This is simple
logic when it comes to predicting the winner of this game.
(2)
Duke Blue Devils vs. (15) Albany Great Danes
Sorry, you Scooby Doo wannabes,
that isn’t just a man in a mask this time. Those are real Blue Devils, and
they’re going to make you wish you were back in the Mystery Machine, getting
baked with Shaggy.
3rd Round- (1)
Louisville Cardinals vs. (8) Colorado State Rams
While the terrain is still rocky
and looks good for the Rams, the Cardinals have the advantage of flight. This
defeat will come from an aerial attack, ensuring the Cardinals path to the
Sweet Sixteen.
(12)
Oregon Ducks vs. (4) St. Louis Bilikens
In an attempt to please the rotund
Billiken, St. Louis will serve a variety of Duck inspired dishes as they make
handy work of the Oregon team. Barbecued, roasted, baked, and other delicious
duck offerings will be given to the Billiken as a tribute for ensuring a
victory.
(6)
Memphis Tigers vs. (3) Michigan State University Spartans
The Spartans, who took care of the
Crusaders in the second round, will face an entirely different kind of opponent
in the Tigers. The Tigers, hunting in a pack, will pick off the Spartans to
move on to the Sweet Sixteen.
(10)
Cincinnati Bearcats vs. (2) Duke Blue Devils
Cincinnati was only good for one
thing- taking care of the Bluejays. The Blue Devils make quick work of the
Bearcats, a creature that seems to blur the line between feline and ursine
families.
Sweet Sixteen-(1)
Louisville Cardinals vs. (4) St. Louis Bilikens
The overall number one seed sees
their luck go into battle against that of a powerful totem that seems to defy
logic. I’ve started to picture the Billiken, who is lucky, as a luck dragon,
like Falcor from the Never Ending Story movies. A flying dog would eat the
Cardinals, and St. Louis heads to the Elite Eight.
(6)
Memphis Tigers vs. (2) Duke Blue Devils
A team nicknamed the Blue Devils
had to know they were going to fall eventually. One of God’s greatest
achievements in animal design, the Tigers, goes up against the minions of
Satan, and show that the Lord will always look down on the forces of evil.
Elite Eight- (4)
St. Louis Bilikens vs. (6) Memphis Tigers
Well Memphis, you had a good run
to the Elite Eight, but much like Shere Khan the Tiger from The Jungle Book,
your time has come to an end. You put up a valiant effort, but now you look
like kittens instead of ferocious man-eaters. Head back to Memphis with your
tails between your legs.
SOUTH REGION
2nd Round- (1)
Kansas Jayhawks vs. (16) Western Kentucky Hilltoppers
Like most of the country, the
Jayhawks have no idea what a Hilltopper really is. Their mascot is a large red
blob, which makes things even more confusing. Angry and confused, the Jayhawks
run the Hilltoppers out of the gym.
(8)
North Carolina Tarheels vs. (9) Villanova Wildcats
In a quest to get Roy Williams
into a match-up against his old team, the Jayhawks, the Tarheels get
overzealous and start chucking up shots from half court on every other attempt.
Seizing the opportunity of a distracted opponent, Villanova comes out with the
victory.
(5)
Virgina Commonwealth Rams vs. (12) Akron Zips
Seriously, what is with all these
teams picking mascots that make virtually no sense? First we have the
Hilltoppers, then we have the Zips? What the hell is a Zip? The Rams assume
that Zip is the score that Akron is attempting, and in a tournament first, the
patented Havoc defense holds the Zips scoreless all game.
(4)
Michigan Wolverines vs. (13) South Dakota State Jackrabbits
It’s a showdown between two great
players. But it’s also a battle between two enemies in the animal kingdom. In a
cruel depiction of true life, the Wolverines spend the entire time attempting
to kill the Jackrabbits. But in the end, the Jackrabbits get away with the win.
I guess this time, the hare DID win. (This matchup would have been even better
if South Dakota was playing Maryland.)
(6)
UCLA Bruins vs. (11) Minnesota Golden Gophers
The Bruins come out as hungry as
any other bear does after a long hibernation. They’re looking to feast, and
they don’t care what they get their teeth into. They’ll look for berries and
fish, but Golden Gophers are a tasty treat for them as well, and Minnesota
isn’t going to realize what happened.
(3)
Florida Gators vs. (14) Northwestern State Demons
The Gators come out looking like
lazy water dragons, but quickly show that they aren’t your mama’s pet iguana. A
couple quick bites out of the Demons have them running back to the bayous of
Louisiana… only to be met by REAL gators.
(7)
San Diego State Aztecs vs. (10) Oklahoma Sooners
Great. Another team with a mascot
that makes no sense. The Aztecs believed in a lot of crazy things, but not even
they would believe in a mascot like a Sooner. Believing Oklahoma to be a bunch of
blasphemers and heathens, they destroy the Sooners and send them back to hell…
or you know, Oklahoma. Same thing.
(2)
Georgetown Hoyas vs. (15) Florida Gulf Coast Eagles
Don’t let the small squat stature
of a bulldog lie to you. The Hoyas can jump up, grab the Eagles, and pull them
down and clip their wings. Don’t expect any other outcome than a Hoya win here,
folks.
3rd Round- (1)
Kansas Jayhawks vs. (9) Villanova Wildcats
Kansas decides to show Villanova
exactly how thankful they are that they don’t have to play Roy Williams and the
Tarheels by spotting them 15 points to start the game. Not that it matters,
because they come back and show Villanova how they’ve handled Wildcats all
season. Jayhawks advance to the Sweet Sixteen.
(5)
VCU Rams vs. (13) South Dakota State Jackrabbits
The Jackrabbits may have been able
to survive against the persistent Wolverines, but they’re about to be trampled
under foot by the Havoc of the Rams. Cloven hooves leave some grisly prints in
rabbit hide, and no amount of lucky feet are going to see the Jackrabbits to
the Sweet Sixteen.
(6)
UCLA Bruins vs. (3) Florida Gators
Little known fact- Shabazz
Muhammad accidentally fell into a gator exhibit at the zoo as a child. He
jumped out quickly, and his amazing escape inspired him to keep jumping and
pursue basketball. But hearing that there are Gators on the court, he has a
mental breakdown and refuses to leave the locker room, causing the Bruins to
lose the game.
(7)
San Diego State Aztecs vs. (2) Georgetown Hoyas
I don’t claim to be an expert in
ancient Aztec heritage, but I know they worshipped many gods, including one
that looked like a jaguar. (I think that’s the Aztecs. My info mostly comes
from The Road To El Dorado). Anyways, they also have a bulldog god, and seeing
the Hoyas, they fall to their knees in praise, forfeiting the game.
Sweet Sixteen-(1)
Kansas Jayhawks vs. (5) VCU Rams
In a staggering repeat of 2011,
the VCU Rams come out to cause problems for the Jayhawks from the start. It’s a
game of back and forth, before Jeff Withey, in frustration, slams a dunk and
shatters the backboard. He’s given a technical, and the resulting free throws
decide the game in favor of the Rams.
(3)
Florida Gators vs. (2) Georgetown Hoyas
The Hoyas, always looking for
their next meal, unwittingly spot a piece of meat cleverly disguised in the
jaws of the Gators. As they approach, they start to get a little leery, but the
Hoyas can’t resist the bait. The Gators take a big bite of Hoya, and an even
bigger bite of victory.
Elite Eight- (5)
VCU Rams vs. (3) Florida Gators
They made it all the way back to
the Elite Eight, but Cinderella’s story is finally over. The Rams finally tire
from their relentless defense, and the Gators are able to pick up the scraps.
It becomes a virtual bloodbath, as the Gators eat their way through the Rams to
secure their spot in the Final Four.
EAST REGION
1st Round- (16)
LIU Brooklyn Blackbirds vs. (16) James Madison Dukes
You know what James Madison’s
mascot is? It’s a bulldog with a crown on his head. James Madison is so
pretentious, they felt the need to take a bulldog, one of the most common
mascots in college basketball, and make him royalty. There’s a real danger that
the Blackbirds will grab a Duke’s head instead of the ball, since both are
inflated. Win goes to LIU Brooklyn.
2nd Round- (1)
Indiana Hoosiers vs. (16) LIU Brooklyn Blackbirds
For once, we have an
unidentifiable mascot that I like. The Hoosiers are a good team, and it was a
great movie too. The Blackbirds won’t stand a chance against this heavyweight
team from the Big Ten.
(8)
North Carolina State Wolfpack vs. (9) Temple Owls
On one hand, we have what is
considered to be a wise animal, with the Owls representing Temple. But anyone
who has watched TV as a child knows that the Tootise Pop Owl is a jerk. The
Wolfpack knows this too, and will be looking to exact revenge on the Owls on
behalf of the little boy from the Tootsie Pop commercial.
(5)
UNLV Runnin’ Rebels vs. (12) California Golden Bears
This all comes down to a simple
foot race. Can the Runnin’ Rebels outrun the Golden Bears? I think the answer
is yes, since they don’t have to run too far. After all, Luke Skywalker and the
rest of the Rebel Alliance is waiting for them right around the corner. The
Bears will be running right into a trap that Admiral Ackbar would be proud of.
(4)
Syracuse Orange vs. (13) Montana Grizzlies
The Syracuse Orange have a serious
advantage here, as I’m pretty sure that Grizzlies are colorblind. (Author’s
note: not sure if grizzlies are actually colorblind, but I’m too lazy to Google
it right now.) The Grizzlies will not be able to see the Orange coming for
them, and thus will be lose.
(6)
Butler Bulldogs vs. (11) Bucknell Bison
This matchup is full of
alliteration. You have to love when the stars line up for that. This game then
becomes a simple matter of which name rolls off the tongue better. While
Bucknell Bison sounds nice, there’s something about the BU look in both Butler
and Bulldogs that I like. Butler moves on.
(3)
Marquette Golden Eagles vs. (14) Davidson Wildcats
We’ve reached another one of those
Sylvester and Tweety matches as I like to call them. A true cat versus bird
match-up. And much like those great classic Looney Tunes cartoons, in this one,
the golden bird does foil the plans of the pesky puddy tat, and the Golden
Eagles advance to the next round.
(7)
Illinois Fighting Illini vs. (10) Colorado Buffaloes
Again, we run into a team with no
discernible mascot. Or at least one that doesn’t make any sense. Fortunately
for the Fighting Illini, it doesn’t matter WHAT their mascot, because thanks to
a new state measure passed, the Colorado Buffaloes will be too high to
understand what’s going on. Keep off the grass, man.
(2)
Miami Hurricanes vs. (15) Pacific Tigers
I hope the Tigers know how
dangerous Hurricanes can be. I know it’s been a few years since Katrina, but
Jim Larranaga has the Canes playing like a true natural disaster. The Tigers
better buckle up and hope that the deadly winds of the Hurricanes sends them
all the way back out west.
3rd Round- (1)
Indiana Hoosiers vs. (8) NC State Wolfpack
The Wolfpack did a good job of
holding off the jerk Owls, but they’re in for a whole new set of problems
against the promised sons of Indiana. Even if they somehow recruited Michael J.
Fox to return as Teen Wolf, it wouldn’t be enough to beat the Hoosiers.
(5)
UNLV Runnin’ Rebels vs. (4) Syracuse Orange
Unfortunately for the Orange,
they’re facing off against a team that actually can distinguish colors this
time. Gone are the days of confusing the opponents with a color for their team
name. Expect UNLV to “run” away with this one. (See what I did there?)
(6)
Butler Bulldogs vs. (3) Marquette Golden Eagles
Well Marquette, you had a good
run. However, just because you defeated Sylvester last time doesn’t mean you’re
going to beat the Bulldogs this time. Butler will rip the Golden Eagles out of
the tournament, then pee on them, as dogs are inclined to do when they’re marking
their territory.
(7)
Illinois Fighting Illini vs. (2) Miami Hurricanes
The Fighting Illini are tough.
I’ll give them that. But do they really think they can take on an act of God
like the Hurricanes? I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to fight a natural
disaster, but I assume it’s tough. I can’t even beat up a thunder storm, and
those are small change compared to a hurricane. Miami advances to the Sweet
Sixteen.
Sweet Sixteen-(1)
Indiana Hoosiers vs. (5) UNLV Runnin’ Rebels
They’ve been running for so long,
but the Rebels eventually have to stop and take a breath. Unfortunately for
them, it’s right as they face off against the Hoosiers. Also unfortunate for
UNLV, instead of watching actual game footage, they found the last Blockbuster
open in the US and rented the movie Hoosiers. Bad game planning leads the
Rebels to defeat.
(6)
Butler Bulldogs vs. (2) Miami Hurricanes
Butler is headed off to join the
Catholic Seven in the new Big East next year. However, as the only non Catholic
school joining the new conference, the Lord looks down upon them, and punishes
with an act of Himself. (I hope you got that joke.) The Hurricanes advance to
the Elite Eight.
Elite Eight- (1)
Indiana Hoosiers vs. (2) Miami Hurricanes
Sometimes, no matter how much you
try, not even Gene Hackman can help you win. Dennis Hopper was the guy you
needed, but since he passed away a couple years back (R.I.P.), the Hoosiers
just can’t finish the job. Miami wins the East regional and heads to the Final
Four.
WEST REGION
1st Round- (13)
Boise State Broncos vs. (13) La Salle Explorers
When the Explorers came to settle
the West, they tried to tame the Broncos. At the time, they managed to domesticate
the horses. This time around, the Broncos aren’t having it, and instead simply
trample the Explorers.
2nd Round- (1)
Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. (16) Southern Jaguars
Beware the hair. Kelly Olynyk and
the Bulldogs show that the “long hair don’t care” really works up in Seattle as
they send the Jaguars packing back home. You may have won your conference, but
the Jaguars have been turned into housecats by the Bulldogs.
(8)
Pittsburgh Panthers vs. (9) Wichita State Shockers
The Panthers will try to take a
bite out of the Shockers. They might even get a pretty good chunk ripped out.
But Panthers are carnivores, and the Shockers are made of wheat. One bite and
the Panthers won’t know what to do. The Shockers start to cause the Panthers
indigestion, and Pittsburgh forfeits so they can excuse themselves to the
restrooms.
(5)
Wisconsin Badgers vs. (12) Ole Miss Rebels
Marshall Henderson. Bo Ryan. The
drama involved with this match-up is more hype than actual talent.
Unfortunately for the Rebels, Henderson’s words actually carry a secret spell
that would help them be victorious. An elbow to the mouth sends Henderson to
the locker room, and the Rebels to defeat.
(4)
Kansas State Wildcats vs. (13) Boise State Broncos
The Broncos may be out and running
free these days, but that doesn’t mean that other creatures still don’t see them
as prey. The Wildcats, working as a pack, manage to take the Broncos down. They
would feast upon their flesh, but since they’re all humans, that’d be
cannibalism, which is frowned upon by the NCAA tournament, and the world in
general.
(6)
Arizona Wildcats vs. (11) Belmont Bruins
Wildcats versus Bears. A battle
for the ages, and an argument that has surely been had in bars the world over.
Who would win in a fight between a big cat and a bear? Well here’s the chance
to find out. Unfortunately for you ursine lovers, the Wildcats pull out the
victory. Apparently Winnie the Pooh’s honey addiction slowed him down.
(3)
New Mexico Lobos vs. (14) Harvard Crimson
The argument can be made here for
the Harvard Crimson, since Lobos (wolves in Spanish for those of you who chose
to take French instead of Spanish in school) are colorblind. Unfortunately
though, the Crimson just haven’t been the same since Jeremy Lin (what happened
to him?) left. I give the victory to the Lobos.
(7)
Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. (10) Iowa State Cyclones
I know what you’re thinking. If
the Fighting Illini can’t beat a Hurricane, how can Fighting Irish beat
Cyclones? After all, the Fighting Irish are a bunch of drunks with potatoes.
But thanks to their awesome (/sarcasm) new camo uniforms, the Fighting Irish
are able to sneak up on the Cyclones and pull out the victory.
(2)
Ohio State Buckeyes vs. (15) Iona Gaels
The Gaels are getting stereotyped
as a bunch of drunks in this thread… So why stop now?? In an attempt to focus
for their big game, the Gaels sober up. Unfortunately, the only reason they had
any success was because they played in a drunken fugue state the entire regular
season. The Gaels can suddenly focus and it throws off their game, handing
victory to the Buckeyes.
3rd Round- (1)
Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. (9) Wichita State Shockers
The Bulldogs, after having such an
easy schedule during the regular season, find themselves playing a legitimate
team in Wichita State. Confused by the mascot that MIGHT be, but probably isn’t
a bumblebee, the Bulldogs lose this game in over time to a team who’s mascot is
a cannibalistic shock of wheat. (Seriously, go look at a picture of the logo.
Wu literally has a piece of wheat in his mouth.)
(5)
Wisconsin Badgers vs. (4) Kansas State Wildcats
This promises to be a hard fought
battle. The Badgers will try to dig themselves a nice little hole where they
can relax and keep shooting. Unfortunately for them, the Wildcats will dig up
the Badgers and rip them apart, sending them off to the Sweet Sixteen.
(6)
Arizona Wildcats vs. (3) New Mexico Lobos
It’s like an undomesticated
version of that old family movie, “Cats vs. Dogs” when these two powerhouse
teams collide. Unlike the movie, neither team is a race of aliens bent of world
domination. Also unlike the movie, the Wildcats win this one. (Whoops, spoiler
alert! Sorry!)
(7)
Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. (2) Ohio State Buckeyes
Ohio State has become pretty good
at playing drunk teams. The Fighting Irish prove to be no exception. After
losing in a sober state, the Iona Gaels send the Fighting Irish all the booze
they can find. Sadly, the Fighting Irish have been playing sober all year, and
the addition of alcohol sends the team in the wrong direction… out of the
bracket.
Sweet Sixteen-(9)
Wichita State Shockers vs. (4) Kansas State Wildcats
It isn’t quite the Sunflower
Showdown, but it’s close enough. Two teams from Kansas face off in this Sweet
Sixteen showdown. The Wildcats, having refused to schedule their in-state
competition for years, realize that they were right in staying away from
Wichita State when the team destroys them. A new in-state rivalry is born.
(6)
Arizona Wildcats vs. (2) Ohio State Buckeyes
The Buckeyes have been walking
through the Dance so far, but Arizona is hoping to put an end to that. However,
in this Sweet Sixteen match-up, the Buckeyes start their reserves. Confused at
first, Arizona realizes too late that these guys have actually been starting
caliber all year, held back for a helluva surprise in this late tournament
game.
Elite Eight- (9)
Wichita State Shockers vs. (2) Ohio State Buckeyes
A battle between two plants,
essentially. The Buckeyes hope to finally end this Cinderella story for the
Shockers, but the boys from Wichita State have other plans. With Gregg Marshall
at the wheel, the Shockers turn into a monster truck and simply run over the
Buckeyes to advance to the Final Four.
FINAL FOUR
Final Four- (4)
St. Louis Billikens vs. (9) Wichita State Shockers
Every year, as the Shockers
prepare for the Missouri Valley conference tournament, they are reminded that
they have never won a tournament title in St. Louis. The Shockers view the
Billikens as the physical manifestation of the place where they can never quite
finish. Believing this, they go out and kidnap the mascot before the game,
leaving him tied up in a storage room in the hotel. Without the Billiken
mascot, the luck of St. Louis finally runs out, and the Shockers finally have a
victory against St. Louis, the place that haunts their dreams.
(3)
Florida Gators vs. (2) Miami Hurricanes
It was a match-up made in heaven.
Well not really heaven, but for the elderly who retire to Florida, it’s about
as close as you’re going to get. Two heavy weight teams from the state that
caused so many problems during the 2000 presidential elections battle it out
for a chance at the championship. Unfortunately for the Gators, the Hurricanes
mean business. A storm is let loose upon the Gators, and they leave empty
handed.
CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
(9)
Wichita State Shockers vs. (2) Miami Hurricanes
The Shockers aren’t impressed by
the Hurricanes. After all, they come from Kansas, the tornado capital of the
world. (Author’s note: not sure if this a true fact.) Add in a little bit of
rain, which Kansas desperately needs, and you have a Hurricane. The Shockers
have made it all the way to the championship game and refuse to go down without
a fight. It’s a hard fought battle, but the roots of the Shockers are deep and
firm. They are battered and bruised by the torrential Hurricane, but in the
end, the Shockers emerge victorious, standing proud, holding a trophy above
their heads.
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